Mining humorous stories

1. 1. Five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang and called the hundred yuan note: "Hello! Your son is here. If you don't want us to tear up tickets, you can trade yourself for him! "
the hundred yuan note thought for a moment and said, "tear it, you don't even have five yuan!"
2. A man was dying of hunger in the desert when he found the magic lamp
Magic Lamp: "I can only realize one wish of you. Come on, I'm in a hurry."
people: "I want a wife..."
the magic lamp immediately turned into a beautiful woman, and then disdained to say: "I'm starving and I'm greedy for beauty! Pathetic After that,
disappeared
people: "cake."
3. The earthworm family was very bored on this day, so the little earthworm cut himself into two sections to play badminton.
Mother earthworm thought this method was good, so she cut herself into four sections to play mahjong.
father earthworm thought about it, and cut himself into minced meat
Mother earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid? You'll die if you cut it like this
father earthworm said weakly: "suddenly I want to play football."
4. The male panda wants the female QJ panda, while the female panda resists and refuses to obey. After the failure, Panda Man said angrily:
"we are all going to die out ~ ~!"
5. The tortoise and the rabbit race... The rabbit ran to the front very quickly.
the tortoise saw a snail climbing very slowly and said to him: you come up, I'll carry you.
then the snail came up.
after a while, the tortoise saw an ant again and said to him: you come up too.
so the ant came up too
when the ant came up, he saw the snail on the top and said "hello"
do you know what the snail said
the snail said: hold on, the tortoise is so fast

2. Bus, because it was too crowded, the man was accidentally squeezed to touch a woman cut stepped on a woman's new shoes, the woman angry to see the man said, "you are crazy, you?" The man didn't pay attention to her, and the woman said, "you're insane, you." the man still ignored her, and the woman said, "you're insane, you?", At this time, when the man got out of the car, he said to her, "you repeater, you?" The whole car is laughing

primary school students take [besides] to make sentences: a train passes by, besides... Besides... Besides

teacher comments. Faint< The river in front of my house is very sad

teacher comments.. The teacher is more sad ~ ~ TT

a tongue twister, when you can't say it, you will laugh: blackening black ash, chemical fertilizer ash will play a role, blackening black as black ash, flowers will fly back, ashing black ash, chemical fertilizer ash will volatilize, ashing black as taboo, flying flowers will fly back into ash I'm so tired that I hit =
=)

once I dreamed that I was taking an exam. When I woke up, I was really taking an exam. Sweat

SMS: I've been a good friend with you for so long. How do you care about me? I'm in trouble. Ah, I really don't know how to repay you. In the next life, I will give you grass< br />


hope LZ is happy. I hope everyone is happy. I'm happy every day. Hehe~

3. Kill the panda, I am the national treasure
2. Urgent notice: please prepare a one inch color photo, a of your ID card, a of your ecation background, and a resume to send to the National Space Administration. According to reliable information, to celebrate the Mid Autumn Festival, you need to recruit Chang'e Bring your own rabbit)
3. Ask what is love in the world, but one thing will bring down one thing ～
4. Ask: what do you like about me? A: I like you to stay away from me
5. It is not necessarily the prince who rides the white horse, he may be the Tang monk; I heard that women are like clothes and brothers are like hands and feet. In retrospect, I ran naked for 19 years
7. Tigers don't get angry. You think I'm Hello Kitty! You think I'm Snoopy< The first couplet: recalling the past, red rice, pumpkin soup, a wife and a group of children. The second couplet: looking at the present, white rice, Wang Ba Tang, a child and a group of wives
10. Bachelor's degree is a master's degree, master's degree is followed by a doctor, doctor's degree is followed by a postdoctor, what about postdoctor? If you are brave enough to read for another two years, you will be a warrior. If you read for another five years, you will be a hero. If you read for another seven years, you will be a martyr. What will happen after a martyr? The Ministry of ecation will introce the saint fighter. If you study for two years, you will be bronze, five years silver, and seven years gold. The girl who is willing to study again after graation has an opportunity to get Athena
11. Today, when you wake up, there is a mosquito lying on your pillow, beside which is a will: I have struggled all night, and your thick skin has made me shameless to live in this world. Lord! Forgive him, I committed suicide
12. Notice: it's cold in autumn recently. Please do a good job in defense. If you have a husband, you can hold your husband. If you have a wife, you can hold your wife. If you don't have a thermos, please hold the gas tank. Please do not hold chickens, cks and other animals in case of avian influenza. Those who should fly south and those who should change their hair will hibernate if they can't.
13; If God wants to make people crazy, he must first make them buy a house
14. Money is not a problem, but lack of money
15. A diamond will go bankrupt if it lasts for a long time
16. Water can carry boats and cook porridge
17. One mountain can't accommodate two tigers, except one male and one female
18. Fire can test gold, gold can test women, and women can test men
19. It's not necessarily monks who burn incense, but pandas
20. When I'm drunk, I'll hold the wall
21. I'm like a fly on the glass. There is no bright future for me.
22. Question: among all the cartoon characters, who is the darkest
A: Doraemon
Q: why
A: because it can't reach out
23 Q: among all the cartoon characters, who is the most helpful
A: Doraemon
Q: why
A: because it always gives people a helping hand (round hand)
24, sleeping spring, I'm stupid
I have no culture when I smell flowers in dark plum trees.
I have a very low IQ when I lie on branches and hate the bottom.
if you want to ask who I am, you can easily get to spring green. A big ass
the shore is green, I am a donkey,
the shore is green, I am a donkey,
the shore looks like dark green. I'm a donkey
1. A bear comes / comes prepared (bear comes)
2. Book 11 / incredible (book11)
3. The sheep stops breathing / puffs up (the sheep doesn't breathe)
4. The mobile phone can't fall into the toilet / it's time (wet)
5. The dog passes There are ten sheep, nine of them squat in the sheepfold, one squats in the pigsty, one of them squats in the wrong place, The eagle picked up the phone and said & quot; Hello/ One Eagle & quot; Hello
10. If the hat is dirty, turn it over and wear it again.
11. Who doesn't have a phone/ Who knows birds best/ How to make sparrows quiet/ Press it (silent)
14. Which snake has many mouths/ What medicine is not poisonous/ Yam
16. Why is there only one tip of the iceberg/ The other corner is broken by the Titanic
17. Who will get carsick when Xiao Bai, Xiao Huang and Xiao Lan take the coach Small white rabbit, sk)
18. Small white + small white =? A: small white rabbit (small white two)
19 what animal is the easiest to fall? Fox, because he is the most cunning
20. Spider fell in love with butterfly, but butterfly refused it. Spider asked: why? Why! Butterfly said: my mother said that it's not a good person to hang out on the Internet all day.
21. One day Xiaoqiang asked his father: Dad, am I a silly child? Father said: silly child, how can you be a silly child
22. Xiaoming is going to have an exam tomorrow, but she is watching TV at night
Xiaoming's mother asks anxiously: have you finished reading all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow,
Xiaoming answered readily: Mom, I've finished reading it<
Xiaoming's mother was very happy to praise Xiaoming: darling, you must do well in the exam tomorrow
Xiaoming cried and said, "Mom, I think it's over."
23. One day Xiao Ming was walking on the road! I feel my feet are very sour when I walk! Why is that? Because Xiao Ming stepped on the lemon
24. One day, a university teacher asked a student, there were ten birds in the tree, one of them was shot dead, how many were left
students ask: is it a silent pistol? No, how loud is the gunfire? 80-100 dB. Is it against the law to fight birds in this city? No offense. Are you sure that bird was really killed? determine. At this time, the teacher was impatient: "just tell me how many birds are left, OK? Are there any deaf birds in the tree? No, Are there any cages hanging on trees? No, Are there any other trees on the side and any other birds on the trees? No, If a bird is pregnant, is it a bird in the stomach? Not really. Does the eye of bird hunter have flower? No flowers, just ten. The teacher is sweating and the bell rings after class, but the students continue to ask: are there any birds that are too stupid to be afraid of death? They are afraid of death. Will you shoot two at once? can't. The student said confidently: "if your answer is not deceptive," if the dead bird does not fall off the tree, then there will be only one left. If it falls off, there will be no left. " The teacher froth on the floor immediately
25. There was a fat man who jumped from a tall building and turned into a dead fat man< When he was dying, he looked at his body and said, "I was filled with bean paste, not meat"
27. Two people fell into the trap. The dead were called dead. What was the name of the living? Call for help
28. Once upon a time, there was a swordsman. He was very cold, his heart was very cold, his sword was very cold, and finally he died of cold.
29. A deer ran on the road, and the faster it ran, it became a highway.
30, There is also a tomato Bata Bata Bata, countless tomatoes are broken, and the last tomato also falls down! Tomato sauce
31. The soldier asked the company commander: what should I do if I step on a mine ring the battle? Lian grew up angry: Damn, what can we do? If it's broken, pay as you go
32. I'm sorry that I haven't received your message for a long time. When I think of death, I used potato chips to cut my veins; Hit your head with tofu; Jump over the building with parachute; Hang it with noodles. Can not die, you invite me to have a meal, support me to death
33. The elephant put his stool in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. He looked up at the cloud covered peak and couldn't help singing: Alas, this is the Qinghai Tibet Plateau~~~~
33. Two counterfeiters accidentally made counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan. They decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a piece of sugar gourd with 15 yuan for 1 yuan, they cried and the farmer found them two pieces of 7 yuan
34. Your life: at the age of 10, you learn to take a bath by yourself, and the pig will clear itself; At the age of 20, the pig is shining; At the age of 30, he found a job and started his own business; At the age of 40, he hired a servant, but the pig got a servant; Fifty years old learn to play basketball, pig throw
35. A man climbed out of the school and was caught by the headmaster. The headmaster asked: why not walk through the school gate? The answer is: Metersbonwe is not going the ordinary way. The headmaster asked again: How did such a high wall turn over? He pointed to his pants and said: Li Ning, everything is possible< The headmaster asked again: what's the feeling of climbing over the wall? He pointed to the shoes and said: special step, flying like feeling. The next day, he entered the school through the main gate. The principal asked, "why don't you go over the wall?"? He said: Anta, I choose, I like it. On the third day, he wore mixed clothes. The headmaster said: you can't wear mixed clothes! He said: what you wear is what you wear, Senma dress. On the fourth day, he went to school wearing a vest. The headmaster said that he could not go to school wearing a vest. He said, men, simple is good, love to pedal Fort clothing. The headmaster said I'll remember your big faults. He said: why? The headmaster said, M-Zone, my territory, I am the master
35. Note to robbers: our staff only know Spanish. Please be patient when robbing. You'd better bring an interpreter with you. Thank you
36. Hair without trace, dandruff more outstanding
37. We should keep quiet when listening to the sermon in church. It's impolite to disturb others to sleep
38. Thief a: how much did you rob today? Thief B: No, just read the newspaper tomorrow
39. Go your own way and let others take a taxi
42 wear other people's shoes, go your own way and let them look for them
43. At a gala, the host came on stage and announced: next, please enjoy: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy
44. Tigers don't make cats. You think I'm critically ill
45. One KTV, song request, Yimm shouts out: give me a piece of Zhou jiecuan's "Shuang Jielun"
46 ancient poem, which predicts the top four super girls of last year
(Yu) the rain blows, the dream is broken, the time is wasted and sighs
(spring) the flowers bloom and fall in spring
(yes) the dream is still unknown
(1) a smile and a sigh has been a hundred years

(pen) the whole life is tired of national affairs
(Chang) drink freely, the body and the heart is broken
(No (2) why do you need to be humble?

(beautiful) cool wind doesn't intoxicate you.
(Ying) no one in the shadow doubts himself.
(Ying) it should be a good time.
(3) three questions about whether the heaven is home or not.

(he) why is it so hard for God to be sad yet The head coaches of China, Japan and South Korea came to heaven together and asked God when their football teams would win the world cup. God said: South Korea needs 50 years. South Korean coach cried: I can't see you

4. A young man wrote a letter of thanks to Dumas, suggesting that two people should write a novel together. Dumas pointed in his reply: Sir: How dare you want to put a noble horse and a humble donkey in a car? The young man wrote in his reply: Mr. Dumas: How dare you compare me to a horse? Originally, Dumas compared youth to donkey. After receiving the reply, he found that the man was very smart, and he left the horse to himself and the donkey to others. He immediately began to like him and replied, "please send me the manuscript, my friend. I'm happy to accept your suggestion."
an English gentleman and a French woman share the same box. The woman wants to sece the Englishman. After she takes off her clothes and lies down, she complains that she is cold. The husband gave her his quilt, but she kept saying it was cold
"how else can I help you?" Mr. Smith asked in dismay
"when I was a child, my mother always warmed me with her own body."
"Miss, I can't help you. I can't jump off the train to find your mother, can I
see the

5.

1. Blind man playing lanterns: a blind man went to a relative's house as a guest. After dark, his relative kindly lit a lantern for him and said, "it's late. It's dark. You can play a lantern and go home." The blind man said angrily, "you know I'm blind, and you give me a lantern to light my way. Don't you laugh at me?" His relative said, "you've made the mistake of limiting your thinking. You are walking on the road, and many people are walking on the road. If you are carrying a lantern, others can see you, and they won't bump you into it. " The blind man thought, yes

Nails: there was a bad tempered boy whose father gave him a bag of nails. And told him that whenever he lost his temper, he would hammer a nail into the fence in the backyard. On the first day, the boy drove 37 nails. Slowly, the number of nails he hammered each day decreased, and he found it easier to control his temper than to hammer those nails. So, one day, the boy will never lose his patience and lose his temper. He told his father about it. Father also said that from now on, whenever he can control his temper, he will pull out a nail. As the days went by, the boy finally told his father that he had finally pulled out all the nails

The father took his hand, went to the backyard and said, "you're doing well, my good boy, but look at the holes in the fence. These fences will never be restored to what they used to be. What you say when you're angry scares like these nails. If you stab someone with a knife, no matter how many times you say sorry, the wound will always exist. The pain of words is as unbearable as the real pain. "

3. Demeanor is not a pretence. An elegant woman in her 40s leads her son into the garden downstairs of a famous enterprise headquarters building and sits down on a bench to eat. After a while, the woman threw a scrap of paper on the ground. Not far away, there was an old man pruning flowers and trees. Without saying anything, he went to pick up the scrap of paper and threw it into the garbage can. After a while, the woman threw another one. The old man went over again, picked up the scraps and threw them into the stbin... In this way, the old man picked them up three times in a row. The woman pointed to the old man and said, "see, if you don't go to school well now, you will be as worthless as him in the future. You can only do these humble jobs!" After hearing this, the old man put down his scissors and said, "Hello, this is the private garden of the group. How did you get in?" The middle-aged woman said haughtily, "I'm the Department Manager I've just been applied for. At this time, a man came in a hurry and stood respectfully in front of the old man. He said to the old man, "president, the meeting will begin soon." the old man said, "I now propose to remove this lady from her post!"“ Yes, I'll follow your instructions at once The man repeated. The old man went straight to the little boy after giving orders. He reached out and stroked the boy's head. He said meaningfully, "I hope you understand that the most important thing in the world is to learn to respect everyone and everyone's achievements..." the middle-aged woman was shocked by what happened suddenly. She slumped down on the bench. If she knew that she was the president, she would not do this unreasonable thing. But she did: just in front of the president as a gardener. Why? Is it because of the level of identity

6. Man, this is a classic joke

there are three ghosts. One day they met God when they were shopping! They said to God, they all died miserably, hoping to let them go to heaven! God said helplessly that there are too many households in heaven now, and they are already full. But now there's a place! You say, see who died the most miserable, let who go to heaven<

so,
the first ghost began to say...
I was a cleaner when I was alive. It's hard work! Busy from morning till night
one day, I was cleaning the glass outside a building! It's the kind of high-altitude dangerous work hanging outside! It's on the 30th floor! All of a sudden, my foot slipped and fell! I think it's over! I'm dying. But survival instinct let me grasp unconsciously! Fortunately, I grabbed the railing of a balcony on the 13th floor. I think it can be saved! So I want to wait until I have a good time to climb up! Who knows, suddenly someone took my hand, I fell down again! I think I'm really finished! However, my life should not be decided, there is a tent under me, I am glad that I must have accumulated virtue in my previous life! If you want to slow down, go down. Who knows, a refrigerator fell from it and killed me<

the second ghost said...
I was a clerk before I died. Everything is OK. I have a beautiful wife. Great body! But it's just a little watery. I have a slight heart attack. One day I forgot to bring my medicine to work. I went home to get it. A door, saw his wife's hair scattered, clothes are not neat. There must be alterers. So I searched all over the house, the kitchen and the toilet, but I couldn't find them. To the balcony, I found two hands on the railing, I think: alterer! So he took his hand. I thought, 13th floor! You can't be killed! As a result, I didn't die! Caught in the tent! I was worried, so I searched all over the room, went into the kitchen and found that the refrigerator was big enough, so I threw it down. Finally he was killed! I was so happy! I couldn't stop laughing. Who knows to laugh to the death

the third ghost said...
I was a little gangster, but I didn't do anything bad! One day, I went to a female friend's house! Just finished, her husband suddenly returned! I have to find a place to hide. So I searched the kitchen and the toilet, and finally found that their refrigerator was very big, so I hid in the refrigerator! I don't understand. How does her husband know I'm in the refrigerator when he throws it down from the 13th floor! I just fell dead with the refrigerator!

7. Liu Bei, Cao Cao, Sun Quan and Zhuge Liang took a plane to travel. Suddenly, the plane broke down and there were only three parachutes on the plane. Zhuge Liang thought for a moment and said: I asked you a question. You answered correctly with one parachute. Zhuge Liang asked: how many suns are there in the sky? Liu Bei answered quickly with one parachute. Zhuge Liang asked: how many moons are there in the sky? Sun Quan answered quickly with one parachute, Zhuge is asking: how many stars are there in the sky... Cao Cao has been thrown down
Cao Cao was very lucky not to die. The three of them traveled by plane and the plane broke down again. Zhuge Liang asked: what is the most important battle in history? Liu Bei answered: the battle of pastoral areas. Zhuge Liang asked: how many people died? Sun Quan answered: forty or fifty thousand. Zhuge Liang asked again: what are the names of those who died? Cao Cao was thrown down again
Cao Cao didn't die again. The three of them took a plane to travel again, and the plane broke down again. Cao Cao thought: every time I was thrown down, it was me that thought. Cao Cao jumped down by himself. Zhuge Liang said: How did he jump down by himself today with four more parachutes
Cao Cao didn't die again. Three of them took a plane to travel, and the plane broke down again. Cao Cao thought: I can't jump by myself this time. Cao Cao said: I'll go to the toilet. Cao Cao squatted in the toilet and laughed, boom, and the plane crashed
Cao Cao is not dead, and the three of them travel by plane, and the plane breaks down again. Zhuge Liang puts forward a question: there are seven monkeys in the tree, and one monkey on the ground. Liu Bei and Sun Quan think about it. Cao Cao answers: if there are seven monkeys in the tree, there are eight monkeys. If there are eight monkeys in the tree, there are eight monkeys. Liu Bei, Zhuge Liang and Sun Quan are still surprised, The only parachute on Cao Cao's back jumped down. At this time, a man climbed out of the maintenance warehouse and said: troubleshooting, which one of you saw me< The teacher said: Xiao Ming, I say one sentence, you say the next sentence, the teacher said: who has no death since ancient times (pronunciation is very like excrement) Xiao Ming said: who does not take the paper, the teacher is very angry, let Xiao Ming punishment station, the teacher looked at the sky snow, said: the sky snow does not rain, snow to the ground into rain, become rain more trouble, why not rain, Xiao Ming said: the teacher does not eat excrement, It's troublesome to turn rice into excrement. Why didn't you eat excrement at the beginning. The teacher suddenly fainted<
fly eating
one day, the fly family was eating in the toilet. Suddenly, the fly son said to the fly father: Dad, Dad, why do we eat shit? The fly father didn't speak. The fly son asked the mother: Mom, mom, why do we eat shit? The fly mother said angrily: we are eating, don't say such a disgusting question.

8. 1
an aunt mistakenly joined a doctoral group. Someone asked: will a drop of water fall down from a very high place and hurt or kill people? All kinds of formulas, all kinds of hypotheses, all kinds of calculation of resistance, gravity and acceleration were discussed for nearly an hour. At this time, the aunt asked silently: haven't you been in the rain
there was a sudden death like silence in the group... Then, my aunt was kicked out of the group
knowledge and theory will only bring us more ways of thinking, and only experience from life can better solve the problem. 2
father and son see a very luxurious imported car. The son disdainfully said to his father: "people who ride this kind of car must have no knowledge in their stomach!" The father replied lightly: "those who say this must have no money in their pocket
your extreme view of things is the real flaw in your heart. 3
the mouse fell into the half full rice bowl and was overjoyed by the accident. After confirming that there was no danger, it began to eat, sleep and eat in the rice bowl. Soon, the rice bowl is going to bottom, but it still can't get rid of the temptation of rice and continues to stay in the bowl. Finally, when the rice is finished, it finds that jumping out is just a dream, and nothing can be done.
you can't be satisfied with the status quo all the time, and you can achieve something from a long distance. Otherwise, it's like this mouse 4
A crow sitting in a tree and doing nothing all day. A little rabbit saw the crow and asked, "can I sit there all day like you and do nothing?" The crow replied, "of course, why not?" So the rabbit sat under the tree and began to rest. Suddenly, a fox appeared
the fox jumps to the rabbit... And eats it
if you don't reach a certain height, don't think you can get something by doing nothing. 5
on the first day, little white rabbit went fishing and got nothing. The next day, he went fishing again, still. On the third day, as soon as it arrived, a big fish jumped out of the river and yelled: if you dare to use carrots as t again, I'll kill you.
what you pay is not necessarily what others want. If you can't understand what the other party really needs, what you pay to live forever in your own world is worthless. 6
an architect's wife called the architect, She said her bed would shake whenever the train passed“ This is nonsense. The architect replied, "let me see." When the architect arrived, his wife suggested that he lay down on the bed and feel the train passing by. No sooner had the architect gone to bed than the wife's husband came back. Seeing this, he yelled, "what are you doing in my wife's bed?" "I said I was waiting for the train. Would you believe it?" the architect replied
some words are true, but they sound fake; Some words are obviously false, but they are more true than gold

9. Once upon a time, there was a man named a Shuang
he died
the day of the funeral
his family cried: '
Shuang ah... Shuang ah.'
passers by are puzzled. "What do you like?" he asked
the family cried bitterly: "it's so cool... It's so cool!!

10. Parrot a person to buy a parrot, see a parrot logo: this parrot can speak two languages, price 200 yuan. Another Parrot said: "this parrot knows four languages and costs 400 yuan.". Which one should I buy? Both of them are very cute and flexible. This man can't make up his mind. Results suddenly found an old teeth of the parrot, coat color dim scattered, price 800 yuan. The man quickly called the boss: does the parrot speak eight languages? The owner said: No. The man was surprised: then why is it that old, ugly, and incompetent are worth the number? The owner replied: because the other two parrots call this parrot boss

this story tells us that real leaders do not necessarily have their own abilities. As long as they know how to trust, delegate power and cherish, they can unite stronger forces than themselves, so as to enhance their value. On the contrary, many people who can be very strong are too perfectionist and do everything by themselves, so they are inferior to others. In the end, they can only be the best research personnel and sales representatives, but they can not be excellent leaders.